wonderment

Leaving for JB for church retreat!!

Be back in a jiffy.

Like tomorrow afternoon. Hehe.

Now that I’m living with a gym and swimming pool just a stone’s throw away, I don’t have any excuses left for not exercising regularly.

And the medical checkup I had last week didn’t help.

“Girl ah, too much body fat! Cut down!
*clucks tongue* Get your BMI down too while you’re at it!”

The best part? The doctor thought I was 30.

Oooookaaayyy doctor, gotch ya.

I haven’t been in a gym for a while … a looooonnnng looooonnng while. The last time I ever visited a gym was in my third year at the ClubFitt gym in Clementi where I left after being intimidated by those “dua dua lup” bodybuilders.

So … I need to exercise … and I did, yesterday!!

I’m proud to announce, though the thighs, butt and tummy area hurt like crazy now, it’s a pretty good feeling to know that I’m finally doing something!

I’m gonna go from this ….

(yes, yes minus the hair!!!)

to this!!

(sleek, shiny, tight tummy! yum!)

There are times when I feel that I’ve God firmly in my grasp. I know all there is to God - ask me anything about the Bible, who is the Holy Trinity, is Jesus Christ for real??, etc, etc … and I think I can give you a pretty pat answer decorated with all the extra interesting information.

And then there are the times when you suddenly you realise you don’t really have God in your grasp. What you have is just a handful of His tunic, something credible but then again, there’s the rest of Him.

In these past few weeks, I’ve been trying to climb over this huge mountain that popped out of nowhere.

After finding out I’d been soaking up the prosperity gospel without realising it, I’m more cautious when it comes to taking anyone’s word as truth. Even as I talk about God on radio now, there’s that secret gnawing feeling that I may not be speaking God’s truth.

It’s come to a point that even my own relationship with God is suffering because I don’t trust myself to read the Bible the way it is supposed to be read. I can’t concentrate on praying because my mind will drift, pondering about the accuracy of what I’m praying about.

Wondering and thinking …. all the while trying to remain afloat emotionally and spiritually …

———-

Tecman sent me an advertisement for their 2 week sale. I went down on Saturday and paid $6 for Philip Yancey’s Where is God when it hurts, hoping that it’d give me some insight about this radio program I was doing … and perhaps even to cure my own hurt.

As I read it on the train home, I think people were staring at me ’cause here I was supposedly reading a book about pain and there I was laughing. Out loud some more! Funny, yes. Painfully true, yes sireee! (pardon the pun)

I’m only at Chapter 5 but he hasn’t tried to explain away suffering in a perfectly logical way. Those who know suffering knows that it will never become packaged as a pretty present in a nice red bow.

His book threw all my pre-conceived notions of God out of the window. If you feel pretty comfortable with your idea of God right now, you think you’ve got Him safe in your pocket, you’re going to have that idea blown to smithereens when you read Yancey.

—————

But, I still didn’t feel all right when I began work on Monday. In fact, I was trying to squash the anxiety I felt. I was supposed to pick up a group from FEBC Korea who was coming to the office for a visit and suddenly, I lost my guts before meeting them.

Just lost it. Yelped an emergency prayer to God. Don’t think I heard His answer with the blood pounding in my ears.

However, everything went surprisingly well and I came away from the experience, happy but oh so aware that I was threading on dangerous ground.

…

I came in early today. I read my devotional book and then from the Bible. 2 Peter 1:4 was the Scripture for today but another title jumped up at me.

Say hi to Mr. Quacker.

Mr. Quacker’s repertoire of songs include “Ole MacDonald had a farm”, “San ZHi Lao Hu” and “London Bridge”.

His proud new owner who happens to be a certain Chen JunLiang (JL) celebrated his 22nd birthday early today with the usual gang and fanfare.

Mr. Quacker is the 15th addition of JL’s little ducky family. No wonder he becomes a little ducky sometimes.

Anyway, before I get pelted with rock-hard birthday cake, you better go look at my Flickr set for more photos from the esteemed event.

Over and out.

I’ve never been a coffee-drinker. If you’ve known me for a while, I never used to drink any coffee. I can pretty much survive without “the daily quick fix”.

However, tastes have been changing of late. Every time I go to Starbucks now, I’ll always order my Vanilla Latte. (Not an addiction yet, but maybe I should apply to a certain somebody for a patron’s card! :D)

Perhaps that’s why Melissa Mathews’ short but very succint article speaks straight to my heart.

Putting God First in Our Thoughts

The mind is its own place,
and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell,
and Hell of Heaven.”
John Milton

When I think “put God first in my thoughts,” I get a picture of this huge coffee filter. The filter is made from the advice in Philippians 4:8: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

Whatever thought I’m having, it has to pass through this filter before I can keep it around and mull it over.

“I’m ugly.”
“I hate my neighbor.”
“God has a plan for me.”
“She is one hot chick”
“I wish I would die.”
“My Dad’s great.”
“She is the worst singer I’ve ever heard.”
“I can’t do one more page of math.”
“Can my boss tell I’m a Christian?”
“I’ll never amount to anything!”
“I want everyone to know me.”

Some of these thoughts are pure and noble. They make it through my thought filter to simmer and steep and fill my head with a sweet fragrance. Some of those thoughts are a bitter drink that threatens to ruin my day (or even my outlook on life) with its depressing, murky content.

Our thoughts can be strong coffee that either bring us to life, or give us the jitters. We’ve got to put God first in our thoughts so life can be a fresh- brewed cup of Jesus.

~Girl Meets God (http://www.studylight.org)
Week of July 17 - 23, 2005

Seriously questioning my identity in the station. Producer or bao-kah-liao-everything-also-humtum-office girl? I don’t mean to be rude, but I thought even in church ministry, we placed first priority on the job we were hired for? Why have I not said no to certain responsibilities outside my job scope?

It’s not that difficult to do the things he has asked, but I don’t want to be caught in a fudged line where I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing first.

It is indeed a scary thing to realise that what you trusted to be good, people you thought God was using to teach you godly wisdom would turn out be closely linked to a movement that has thrown modern Christianity into a tizzy.

I personally don’t believe in the Word-Faith theology or better known as the prosperity gospel. I don’t believe that if you put one dollar into the kingdom of God, you’ll get one hundred dollars in return. (By the way, if that works, all mission agencies and those who help support them would be filthy rich by now … like a certain charitable organisation.)

I am sickened to my stomach that I have sat through hours of teaching, shouted the Amens in agreement and spent a fair bit of money to only realise that people I trusted as teachers of God’s law is in some way or another connected to the Word-Faith movement.

Honestly, as I researched for each speaker’s bio, I couldn’t help but feel a sour taste developing in my mouth. Even the music I was playing, was jarring.It feels like utter betrayal and now I know how why so many people stop going to church after their pastor is discovered to be hiding a dirty secret.

My faith was sorely shaken last night and it sure doesn’t help when you have a whole bunch of things happening at the same time.

There is just one truth, but which side of the truth are you seeing? Are you just experiencing the cool breeze that the swishing tail is producing? Or are you only feeling the thickness of the elephant’s leg? Or could it be the huge wall of a body you’re up against?

Don’t worry for me. All is not lost yet. I will hold onto God because He’s been there for me more times than people in this world have made a mockery of my faith.

While I was in Sydney, I happened to check the station email and to my horror, someone sent a nasty, nasty email that I felt should never come from one from the Body of Christ. To say the least, it was scathing but in the following days, this person sent 3 other emails, each one mounting in sarcasm and finally he/she ended by saying that his/her cellgroup were praying that our station would shut down.

It shook me deep down into my core. Who would hate us so much? Is the work of Jesus Christ so difficult that even our supposed fellow “brothers and sisters” attack us with swords and spears?

We never replied to that listener and subsequently he/she has stopped sending those terrible emails. However, a very nice and warm surprise greeted us as we opened the station email today.

“Do not lose heart, continue your radio ministries. Because it’s really a blessings that God has given you a station in such a small island. To use a instrument, a vessals to reach out to the unreach and unsaved people in that small island. Don’t give any chance to the evil one - satan to come and destroy God’s work. Be bold and be strong, for the Lord God you God is with you. Continue to serve Him with a servant heart and to serve him with all your souls, with all your minds, and all your hearts.”

This was written today by a listener who’d emailed occasionally. I still can’t believe how apt her words are. She also shared about her history and how her old self had died and now she was renewed again. Amazing!

For this renewal of self, she’s chosen for herself a new name ~ Ruth Esther.

Haha, God knows. He really does.

… of NKF. I was reading the papers today and I still can’t believe what Mrs. Goh Chok Tong said. I wonder if she knew the foolishness in her words. You can still be a patron, believe in the cause of NKF, but I can’t believe you’d naively still stand by a man who literally just owned up to all he’s been accused of. To call herself a lawyer.

My first experience with NKF was in poly where they did free medical checkups and at the end, I signed on to let them Giro deduct $2 from my bank account every month for donation. Later, they called me up every year to persuade me to take up a Save-A-Child card thing. I didn’t budge at first but my conscience got at me so I took one last year. I returned the card to them with a $10 donation from my own pocket.

Then the TV charity show. In the first 2 years of the NKF charity thing, I thought it was a pretty good idea. Get the artistes to do death-defying acts in the name of saving one poor kidney patient. No one’s done that before. Subsequently, everyone started jumping on the bandwagon and I stopped watching these charity shows once and for all.

With the current expose splashed across the newspapers, I sympathise with those who’ve been faithfully donating, but more so I thought about the artistes who have dutifully abided by company rules to choose the charity stunt that wouldn’t land them in hospital or something. I thought about the comperes who have been trained to put on the most serious of expressions, to choose the most eloquent of words, to convey the most heart-wrenching of stories ….

I wonder how they feel now?

Do they feel disgusted with themselves for plugging a cause that takes unnecessary funds from people of the public who might need it more?

Do they wonder how much they have sacrificed in terms of health and family to train for stunts that got money to gold plate toilet taps and send one undeserving man his 12-month bonus?

Or is it just a media scam? One pathetic media scam that’s thrown Singapore into a tizzy?

One pathetic media scam who could potentially affect organisations who truly need public financial support to continue the work they do?

Do they know that if Durai just donated his one-year entire bonus to FEBA, we could virtually impact lives not just for the here and now, but for eternity?

It’s E-T-E-R-N-I-T-Y. Not just for the extra 10, 20, 30 years that a patient gets to live with dialysis and a new kidney.

No, I’m not discounting the fact that NKF has played quite a significant role in the lives of patients, but I’m just sickened by the fact that the money should have gone into such unworthy means.

The NKF PR people better be working round the clock to try their best to rectify this crisis but I’m not too sure how much they’re going to be able to rescue.

It isn’t money that is the root of all evil, it’s the love of money.

…. with a cold. Couldn’t see out of my teary left eye yesterday and my nose was a running tap. Slept in late today and just got to work from the doctor’s. Eye and nose are still running but not as bad as yesterday. Got the usual cold medication and most likely will be dozing off at my table this afternoon.

Met up with Nic last night for dinner. I got a huge surprise when that girl called me up on Sunday and told me she’s in the country for a few days to do her visa before graduate school starts.

She’s leaving for Taiwan again Wednesday morning so we met up last night to celebrate her birthday.

Happy birthday Nicole! God bless!