wonderment

I haven’t been faithful in updating here, have I?

Recently, I began a series on prayer and of all the EDWJ topic serieses (??) I’ve been following, this has got to be the one that has touched my heart the most.

Prayer has always been such a mystical, surreal kind of experience for me. During prayer meetings, I’d either (1) doze off (2) get distracted by my toes (3) start drifting off to goodness knows where else. There were only one or two times in my Christian life that I actually paid attention to what was going on.

I’m also not afraid to admit that I sucked at praying in my own time. I think I never actually prayed because I felt so tired of asking God for stuff (since He already knew everything about me) and I was pretty skeptical about praying for deliverance and healing.

I mean, I knew these things worked some times and I believed with all my heart that when Jesus prayed, people got healed emotionally/mentally/spiritually. However, I still felt as if all my prayers hit the ceiling and bounced back hitting me in the face. It hurt, I didn’t know how to pray and saying the Lord’s prayer felt like a heart-less ritual.

But back in my mind, I had the niggling feeling that prayer was important if I wanted to keep my sanity in a world bustling with activity.

At hand, I’m juggling my work at the station, logistics work for Christmas in Singapore, teaching Sunday School, the publicity work for youth camp, the Young Adults’ ministry and preparing for a conference in JB next February. (Don’t tell me, I know I’ve bitten off more than I can really chew.)

If anything, I don’t need more time. I need peace. Hope. Joy. Love.

I used to be prone to panic attacks when I was in secondary school. I’d start sweating like crazy, thinking of the most horrible of consequences, and be totally paralysed, unable to work/speak/eat properly.

This condition improved in poly when I got back on track with God. I learnt to trust Him a little bit, like a baby learns to trust that his mother will never leave him alone.

Lately, the familiar painful naggings of a panic attack have come knocking. Nothing too serious, but just enough to set the alarm bells ringing to prepare for one.

In the noisiness of the life zooming past me, I desperately needed to still my heart before God. While preparing for my programs, I realised that I was putting all my trust in the methods of prayer. If I felt I didn’t pray well (which was most of the time), I didn’t feel like praying much. In the end, I let my own judgement of how well I prayed determine my heart for God.

Being forced to do research on prayer, I found out that prayer is really about God. Words worship but deeper than that, silence adores.

You are God in heaven
And here am I on earth
So I’ll let my words be few
Cause Jesus I am so in love with you

The simplest of all love songs
I want to sing to you
So I’ll let my words be few
Cause Jesus I am so in love with you

And I’ll stand in awe of you
Yes, I’ll stand in awe of you
So I’ll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with you
~ Let my words be few, Matt Redman

I hadn’t learnt to adore God. Worship I knew, ask me about most Christian Praise and Worship songs and I can sing it for you. Adoration, keeping silent before God and just adoring Him for who He is, I could not.

I was afraid of the silence, but the silence was where God wanted me at.

Lately, I’ve been more silent, learning how to recognise God’s voice. It’s a continual process because God is everywhere but I’m learning to make the time before bed the sweetest because the time is unhurried and the day is done. I try not to watch TV after 9pm, leave the computer off if I don’t need to work, and spend the hour before bedtime reading a good book or the Bible, journalling or taking 5 minutes to be silent before God, giving Him the happenings of the day.

I’m starting slow. Still very much in the process of walking and falling. Sometimes it does get dry, when I’m tired and my mind is so frazzled by the day. Yet, I’m learning to praise God for every corner I turn, every person I meet, every new thing that demands my attention.

He listens! I can feel He cares for me. After I’ve given Him a particular care, I can literally feel the nagging ache recede into peace. Hope and joy comes from knowing that this “labour in the Lord is not in vain”. Love comes from the support of friends and family.

O, how I am loved!
Some prayer requests:
1) My family and I are looking for a new house. We will have 6 months from Jan 25 to find a new place. We have seen many places already but none of them have clicked with all of us. We are praying that the Lord will reveal to all 4 of us the place that He has in mind for us.

2) I’m coming up with new programs for 2005. Many of them are ideas I would like to take and run with, but I am limited in resources and time. Please pray for like-minded Christians who have a passion to shepherd people through the avenue of broadcasting.

3) The Christmas in Singapore project is drawing closer (begins 26 Nov). Please pray for good coordination among the committees and for the masses who will be down at Orchard Road to be touched by the Holy Spirit and that their hearts will be opened to the gospel.

On a final note, here’s a verse that inspired a song that is one of my favourites